Monday, December 31, 2012
2012: Year in Pictures
For the past few years, on New Year's Eve, I've recapped the year via photos here on this blog. This year, it's 10:30pm on the 30th, and I'd love nothing more than to fall into bed and immediately fall to sleep for an hour or two before the baby is ready to eat again. But I won't--not yet. Because it's been an incredible, blessed year, and I will not...cannot...let the temporary exhaustion trump the importance of looking back and seeing what an incredible year it was, and how everything worked together in ways that we could not have ever imagined.
In January, Justin and I took our first (and only) overnight "vacation" together since having kids. Unfortunately, it was not so much a vacation as a trip to have an aggressive form of skin cancer removed. Honestly, I've kind of blocked January from my memory--it's still hard for me to even think about, and I cannot watch Parenthood as of late because the cancer storyline is still to fresh. BUT, once we got back from Portland, we celebrated Lizzy's second birthday! It's crazy to see photos of her from January and think that it was less than a year ago--she seems so little!
February brought crazy weather that included both snow, and then just weeks later, sunshine that made it feel like spring. Lizzy's cousin Logan stayed with us in the mornings before he went to afternoon pre-K three days a week--the two loved and played like brother and sister, and it was a great confidence boost to me to know that I *could* handle two kids! I also painted the living room a happier shade of blue--well, mostly. One wall still remains unpainted.
It's behind me, I just pretend it doesn't exist.
March: In March, I made a crazy-nerdy shirt to go see Hunger Games in the theater. We bought a cow for the first time, and I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, so we spent lots of cozy mornings, afternoons, and evenings relaxing and reading on the couch.
In April, we celebrated Easter, and crazily took the FIRST family photo of 2012! We also made it blog official that I was pregnant, and hauled in a TON of dirt to finally re-do our backyard after four years of living with star thistle and red mud.
In May, we started to really see the beauty of spring, and also were blessed qith one little example of how God not only provides abundantly for our needs, but also occasionally blesses us beyond what we could ever expect with the desires of our hearts in terms of an amazing Third Day and Matt Maher concert that my friend Emily treated us to after winning tickets.
In June, we found out that baby #2 was another girl, much to our surprise! We also spent a lot of time outdoors running around, as well as watching Justin play baseball.
July was a busy, busy month for us! We continued the tradition of spending the 4th with amazing friends. My dermatologist decided to remove another spot from my stomach, which majorly stressed me out. We spent the most relaxing day at the lake where Justin and I met, which Lizzy proclaimed the BEST DAY EVER!!! Lizzy got to try the waterslides for the first time, which she loved, and we welcomed another sweet niece Lyla into the family (and I got to practice some more newborn photography)!
In August, my parents gave me a new Android phone for my birthday, complete with Instagram...which basically ensured that nearly every photo I have on my computer for the rest of the year is square ;) We also spent some time picking blueberries, and spent a LOT of time at the baseball field. All the time away from home coupled with the OB telling me that I needed to slow down to try and avoid pre-term labor made me stressed because I felt like our house was ALWAYS a disaster that we couldn't seem to catch up on (still haven't).
In September, we spent more time at the lake, Lizzy and I somehow picked almost 70 pounds of peaches just the two of us, and we remembered to appreciate the little things in life and occasionally say YES.
I remember October as being SUPER unseasonally hot. I think it was in the 90's when we went to the pumpkin patch with Kaitlin, Jess, and Jaxon. I was hugely pregnant, so that probably didn't help! Lizzy was thrilled to ride a pony, and I remember looking at the photo of her on one, and being shocked at the fact that she looked like a KID instead of a toddler. We were also blessed to experience the hands and feet of Christ in our lives.
Eight days into November, Rebecca Allison rushed into our lives (literally). Looking back, I remember November as being such a sweet time of marked slowness in our lives. We're the type of people who are always going, going, going, and being forced to slow down and spend time in bed, on the couch, and just HOME for once was actually kind of a blessing!
In December, Rebecca started smiling at us, cooing, and laughing. I caught the first smile on camera just days before Christmas. I was also reminded of the unspeakable JOY of snow from a child's perspective. Lizzy and Rebecca began to settle in to the world of sisters, and we celebrated our first Christmas as a family of four!
At the end of last year's year in pictures re-cap, I wrote the following:
Overall, it was a great year. There was definitely more good than bad,
and blessings abounded! Still, with all that's happened in December with
the skin cancer, I'm a little nervous to think about all that 2012
could and will bring--here's hoping that this time next year, we'll be
looking back and smiling at the fact that we couldn't have even imagined
all the blessings that were in store!
Well, it's next year, and I can confidently say that I am smiling. Oh Lord, I am smiling. I had no idea what all was in store, or how it would all work together so perfectly to God's purpose. I had no idea that 2012 wouldn't be remembered as the year that I was terrified that I might die from skin cancer, but as the year that brought an incredible new LIFE into our family. What an incredible blessing to have the year redeemed in that way! I am so thankful, and I cannot wait to see what 2013 will bring!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Remembering the 27th
This morning in Newton, CT, twenty six bells rang at the town hall in remembrance of those who lost their lives one week ago at Sandy Hook Elementary School. This is a good thing. The right thing.
But in my humble opinion, not a complete thing--because one week ago, there were twenty seven people who lost their lives in Newton, CT. I'm not entirely sure why, but in most of the lists of victims that I've seen floating around the internet, Nancy Lanza is often omitted. As I'm sure we're all aware, Adam Lanza's mother was actually the first victim that day...and yet, she isn't remembered as the others.
In the comments on a post from BlogHer this morning, one blogger stated that they left her off their list because they feel that she is complicit in the crime due to the fact that she kept guns in her house with her son who was mentally ill. I think that whether vocalized or not, this viewpoint probably explains why we largely talk about the 26 victims instead of the 27. Why it seems uncomfortable, perhaps, to group Mrs. Lanza's name with the others. On some level, I think we blame Mrs. Lanza. We may privately wonder how she could have raised a son who would do something so horrible, and wonder if she was at least partially to blame. We wonder, privately, who would be dumb enough to keep so many guns in a home with someone who was mentally ill. I think that as a society, we think she's partially responsible. Personally, I disagree with this viewpoint wholeheartedly--because with as much press about Adam Lanza as we've been bombarded with in the past week, there is really very little that we actually know for certain.
We know that "sources" and "friends of the family" have speculated that he may have had Asperger's. We know that others have said he had a personality disorder, but not which one. We know that someone "close to the family" said that Mrs. Lanza had taken her son to a psychiatrist, but we don't know that for certain, nor do we know why. We don't know whether he was currently on medicine or receiving any sort of mental health treatment.
We don't know whether the guns in Mrs. Lanza's home were kept in a gun safe. We don't know whether it was locked. We don't know how much ammo was in the house or where it was kept. We don't know how much gun safety training Adam and his brother had received. We don't know how guns were talked about in the home, or whether they were treated with the level of respect that a gun deserves.
We do know that Mrs. Lanza was killed by her son, likely while she slept. We do know that she had family too, who no doubt love and miss her...I'd venture to go so far as to even say that they miss her just as much as the families of all 26 other victims miss their loved ones.
I know this is maybe an uncomfortable idea for some--that Mrs. Lanza be remembered along with the other victims at Sandy Hook Elementary that day. I understand. But I also respectfully ask you to consider this--if Adam Lanza had killed his mother while she slept, and not gone on to kill anyone else, would we consider her a victim? Or would we still think she was implicitly responsible? I'd venture to guess the former. And for that reason, today I remember all 27 victims from Newtown, CT who lost their lives one week ago:
But in my humble opinion, not a complete thing--because one week ago, there were twenty seven people who lost their lives in Newton, CT. I'm not entirely sure why, but in most of the lists of victims that I've seen floating around the internet, Nancy Lanza is often omitted. As I'm sure we're all aware, Adam Lanza's mother was actually the first victim that day...and yet, she isn't remembered as the others.
In the comments on a post from BlogHer this morning, one blogger stated that they left her off their list because they feel that she is complicit in the crime due to the fact that she kept guns in her house with her son who was mentally ill. I think that whether vocalized or not, this viewpoint probably explains why we largely talk about the 26 victims instead of the 27. Why it seems uncomfortable, perhaps, to group Mrs. Lanza's name with the others. On some level, I think we blame Mrs. Lanza. We may privately wonder how she could have raised a son who would do something so horrible, and wonder if she was at least partially to blame. We wonder, privately, who would be dumb enough to keep so many guns in a home with someone who was mentally ill. I think that as a society, we think she's partially responsible. Personally, I disagree with this viewpoint wholeheartedly--because with as much press about Adam Lanza as we've been bombarded with in the past week, there is really very little that we actually know for certain.
We know that "sources" and "friends of the family" have speculated that he may have had Asperger's. We know that others have said he had a personality disorder, but not which one. We know that someone "close to the family" said that Mrs. Lanza had taken her son to a psychiatrist, but we don't know that for certain, nor do we know why. We don't know whether he was currently on medicine or receiving any sort of mental health treatment.
We don't know whether the guns in Mrs. Lanza's home were kept in a gun safe. We don't know whether it was locked. We don't know how much ammo was in the house or where it was kept. We don't know how much gun safety training Adam and his brother had received. We don't know how guns were talked about in the home, or whether they were treated with the level of respect that a gun deserves.
We do know that Mrs. Lanza was killed by her son, likely while she slept. We do know that she had family too, who no doubt love and miss her...I'd venture to go so far as to even say that they miss her just as much as the families of all 26 other victims miss their loved ones.
I know this is maybe an uncomfortable idea for some--that Mrs. Lanza be remembered along with the other victims at Sandy Hook Elementary that day. I understand. But I also respectfully ask you to consider this--if Adam Lanza had killed his mother while she slept, and not gone on to kill anyone else, would we consider her a victim? Or would we still think she was implicitly responsible? I'd venture to guess the former. And for that reason, today I remember all 27 victims from Newtown, CT who lost their lives one week ago:
- Daniel Barden, 7
- Olivia Engel, 6
- Josephine Gay, 7
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 6
- Dylan Hockley, 6
- Madeleine F. Hsu, 6
- Catherine V. Hubbard, 6
- Chase Kowalski, 7
- Jesse Lewis, 6
- James Mattioli, 6
- Grace McDonnell, 7
- Emilie Parker, 6
- Jack Pinto, 6
- Noah Pozner, 6
- Caroline Previdi, 6
- Jessica Rekos, 6
- Avielle Richman, 6
- Benjamin Wheeler, 6
- Allison N. Wyatt, 6
- Mary Sherlach, 56
- Victoria Soto, 27
- Anne Marie Murphy, 52
- Lauren Rousseau, 30
- Dawn Hochsprung, 47
- Rachel Davino, 29
- Nancy Lanza, 54
Lizzy-isms
Justin: Lizzy, wait inside please. I'm just going to warm up the car real quick.
Lizzy: Why?
Justin: Because it's been sitting all day.
Lizzy: DAD! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! The car does NOT have a bottom!
Lizzy: Mom, my foot tastes itchy.
Aunt Court: Can you tell me what itchy tastes like?
Lizzy: Like this, (high pitched voice) "ITCHY! ITCHY! ITCHY!"
Me: Lizzy, I need you to go to your room until you can stop screaming.
Lizzy: I cannot mother. Leah is sleeping.
Me: Who is Leah?
Lizzy: A friend. I cannot wake up people who are sleeping, you said.
(In the car, at a stoplight. The instant the light turned green.)
Lizzy: GO CARS! MOVE! THE LIGHT IS GREEN! WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGES? I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN! MOVE IT!
Lizzy: What's a president?
Me: He's the person who is the boss of everything in this country.
Lizzy: But you are the boss of everything, Mom!
(Listening to the radio)
Lizzy: Mom, I don't like this song.
Me: Why not? I think it's a nice song.
Lizzy: But I sing it better. I want to listen to me sing instead.
Lizzy: I want to pray my special prayer.
Us: Okay, what's your special prayer?
Lizzy: Dear God, thank you for mating us and so much good girls. We love you Jesus, in Jesus' name, Amen.
(In church, Becca started to cry)
Lizzy: THE BABY IS CRYING! MOM'S BOOBS HURT NOW!
{And yes, I know that like half of this post is capitalized. It is the volume at which my child speaks.}
Lizzy: Why?
Justin: Because it's been sitting all day.
Lizzy: DAD! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! The car does NOT have a bottom!
Lizzy: Mom, my foot tastes itchy.
Aunt Court: Can you tell me what itchy tastes like?
Lizzy: Like this, (high pitched voice) "ITCHY! ITCHY! ITCHY!"
Me: Lizzy, I need you to go to your room until you can stop screaming.
Lizzy: I cannot mother. Leah is sleeping.
Me: Who is Leah?
Lizzy: A friend. I cannot wake up people who are sleeping, you said.
(In the car, at a stoplight. The instant the light turned green.)
Lizzy: GO CARS! MOVE! THE LIGHT IS GREEN! WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGES? I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN! MOVE IT!
Lizzy: What's a president?
Me: He's the person who is the boss of everything in this country.
Lizzy: But you are the boss of everything, Mom!
(Listening to the radio)
Lizzy: Mom, I don't like this song.
Me: Why not? I think it's a nice song.
Lizzy: But I sing it better. I want to listen to me sing instead.
Lizzy: I want to pray my special prayer.
Us: Okay, what's your special prayer?
Lizzy: Dear God, thank you for mating us and so much good girls. We love you Jesus, in Jesus' name, Amen.
(In church, Becca started to cry)
Lizzy: THE BABY IS CRYING! MOM'S BOOBS HURT NOW!
{And yes, I know that like half of this post is capitalized. It is the volume at which my child speaks.}
Monday, December 17, 2012
Holiday Deals from P&G eStore
Are you all done with your Christmas shopping yet? I'm close, but I have a bit more to do...and I don't know about you, but the people who are still on my list are also the ones that I'm having the hardest time shopping for.
So, to get those gift-giving wheels turning, here's a few gift ideas from the P&G eStore...and if you're not familiar with the P&G eStore, it's an online store that sells many of Proctor & Gamble's popular products, often for much less than you'd find them at your local store--which is great, because brands like Olay, Swiffer, Pampers, Crest...all P&G brands! The eStore also offers some pretty cool "bundles" that I think would make great gifts. I really love ordering gifts online for friends and family that live out of state, and these bundles are an especially neat idea because they contain a great variety of things, just like a gift basket that I'd put together myself.
I am totally eyeing this Vidal Sassoon Pre-Sale Bundle that includes a bunch of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products. The photo also includes what looks like a Venus razor and magazine subscription, but those aren't listed in the actual product description, so I'm not sure whether or not they actually come in this bundle...but for $12.99, it's a great price even if it is just the hair product.
Or this Home for the Holidays bundle, which includes a TON of great home stuff, and for $29.99, it would be a great housewarming gift. I've made similar baskets myself at the dollar store, and usually end up spending nearly the same amount for non-name brand products that aren't even full sized.
Plus, they also offer free shipping on orders over $25, and 15% off of your first order at the store with the code A9Z-MN5-KY3-ISA. And? Free samples in every order. Gotta love free samples! So, if you haven't finished your holiday shopping, check out the P&G eStore, and see what they have to offer!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Unspeakable JOY
Few things are filled with as much JOY as the first sprinkle of snow each year for a child. It is the sort of thing that calls for throwing on ridiculous fur coats and pink cowgirl boots over pajamas and running outside before breakfast, so as not to miss it.
I am so thankful for that JOY this morning.
When None of It Makes Sense.
It's 4am and I just finished feeding Becca. She won't go back to sleep, but today I'm content to just lay here with her on my chest in the quiet as I read the news.
The news about yesterday's shooting in
Conneticut has changed since last night. Different information has surfaced, even down to the identity of the shooter, but my grief and emotions are largely the same--there is not a parent in the world who does not feel the weight of this.
The shooter has now been identified as a 20 year old man. Still a boy, really. And I just keep wondering--did he know?
I don't at all mean to absolve him of blame. The fact that he wore a bullet-proof vest as he walked into that school means to me that he knew. But did he know?
Did he know what it would mean to clean up little shoes strewn about the living room? Did he know what it would mean to the mom who dropped her kiddo off to school with relief for a few quiet hours after a rough morning that day? Did he know what it would mean for the parents who have Christmas gifts under the tree that will never be opened? Did he have nieces or nephews that age? Had he talked with a 1st grader and gotten to see how smart and funny they are? Did he think about all the lost teeth and first kisses and driver's licenses that these children would never have? Did he know how much it would hurt, and do it anyway, specifically for that reason?
It makes me want to throw up, all of it. The gaping hole of "why" that so many parents will never have answered. Seeing this be used to further political agendas on both sides of the coin--already, I've seen Facebook postings to the effect of "believe in gun control yet?" and "people want to know where God was--oh yeah, he isn't allowed in schools anymore" to which I just want to scream SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL AGENDA FOR ONE DAY.
There are real people dealing with a hurt so enormous...parents, siblings, first responders, reporters, teachers, friends. Relatives--of the victims, the survivors, AND the shooter. So much pain, and for what purpose?
Today, I'll hug my girls and my husband a little closer. I'll pray, because that's really all that I can do, and that's the only place peace comes for me now. I'll try to be more patient and kind. To soak up every blessing. And I won't forget--not yet. Even in the hustle and bustle of the next few weeks, as I go about errands and the daily grind, I will remember...even as none of it makes sense.
I doubt it ever will.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Letter to Becca: One Month
Becca,
This morning, as you were sleeping on my chest, I was looking back at the letter than I wrote your sister when she was a month old, and I think if there's one thing I was struck by, it was how much of Lizzy's personality was already on display at only one month old!
Just like Lizzy, you're constantly lifting your head up and pushing up on your arms to see what's going on. You still love to eat, and are a champion nurser. We took you to the pediatrician this past weekend for the terrible baby acne you've got going on (poor thing!), and you already weigh 10 pounds 2 ounces! Lizzy was only 12 pounds at seven months, so this is a bit of uncharted territory for me, but happily so! It's so nice to have a baby who will actually breastfeed without fighting every single session.
We all love you more than we could say, but your big sister is still especially enamored with you, and basically wants to be touching you 24 hours a day. Lizzy is a great big sister to you, always reading you books and giving you kisses. While taking some photos of you this past weekend, I snapped two that aren't technically "good" photos, but I couldn't bear to delete them because I felt like they probably perfectly captured what life is like for you at this point!
On Sunday, you were baptized, which your sister was absolutely thrilled about--she has been asking us when you were going to be baptized for weeks. After church, we took our first photo as a family of four--I can't believe we hadn't taken one sooner! In some ways, I can hardly believe you're a month old already...and in other ways, it feels like you've been with us forever! Can't imagine life without you sweet girl!
Love you forever and for always,
Mom
This morning, as you were sleeping on my chest, I was looking back at the letter than I wrote your sister when she was a month old, and I think if there's one thing I was struck by, it was how much of Lizzy's personality was already on display at only one month old!
{LOVE how the quilt my mom made for Becca turned out!}
So, that brought me to think of you, and speculate what you'll be like in a few years based on your personality now--and I think that for the most part, you'll be a quiet observer. You're a pretty calm baby for the most part. You're very alert, just like Lizzy was, but while she would kick her legs like crazy and let out these little baby shrieks, you prefer just to quietly study everything. That said, you also aren't afraid to let us know if there's something that you really don't like...for example, if I try to put a knit hat on you? You are ticked, and you let me know!
Love you forever and for always,
Mom
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Pregnancy #2: One Month Postpartum
Compared to one-month postpartum with Lizzy:
It's 8pm as I'm writing this. Justin is still at work, and I just put Lizzy to bed with much drama due to her refusing to eat the chicken noodle soup that she requested for dinner. Becca is currently sleeping in her bouncer, and other than while driving, it's the first time I've not been holding someone all day. I'd guess I probably have 10 minutes before Lizzy either tries to sneak out of her bedroom or Becca is ready to nurse again...and that basically sums up the first month postpartum! Ha!
Seriously though, here's the scoop for real:
-I have about 7-10 pounds to lose in order to be back at the pre-pregnancy weight from this time around. I definitely feel that extra in my hips and belly, but not as much as I did with Lizzy. Of course, as most moms will tell you, even if you lose all the pregnancy weight right away, that still doesn't mean that your pre-pregnancy jeans are going to fit! I'm currently about one pants size larger than I was pre-pregnancy, which is a happy treat--although you can't really tell in the two photos, my hips were SIGNIFICANTLY wider after Lizzy, and at that time I was wearing jeans that were two sizes larger than I'm wearing now (three sizes larger than pre-pregnancy, in total). Still, I'm looking forward to being able to wear my "normal" clothes again, and hope that happens sooner rather than later!
-I'm getting a little antsy to start working out, and am looking forward to starting Insanity with Justin at the end of this month or beginning of next. I'm also hoping to be getting a little more sleep than I'm getting now by then though, or I will die.
-Just like with Lizzy, I think I have an overactive letdown--Rebecca often pulls off the boob choking and coughing. But unlike Lizzy, she actually seems to like to eat, and rarely will even go 3 hours between feeding sessions. For at least a couple of weeks there, she was seriously nursing like 20 hours a day (which I think probably had to do with the staph infection). Breastfeeding still hurts a bit as she latches on, but the pain goes away once I feel the letdown. Becca seems to chomp down at the beginning to control the flow, and I'm sure that doesn't help. Also? I don't really remember feeling engorged with Lizzy, but man alive do I feel it this time around! I think you could probably set a clock by my boobs :)
-For the first three weeks, I was super emotional...especially once it started to get dark. By the time Justin got home, I was generally about to burst into tears every day. And also, when I left the hospital, they'd told me that it was normal to be emotional for two weeks, but not longer than that, and that past that point if I was weepy, I should talk to someone about PPD/PPA. So then I'd cry more because I was worried that I was crying. Well. Although the advice was well-intentioned and probably good advice in general, I think that I was actually super-emotional because I was only sleeping 1 or 2 hours a day...which also explained why it only tended to happen in the evening--I was just exhausted! Now that I'm getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day (combined, not in one stretch), I'm feeling a TON better. There are still hard and exhausting days, but I don't think I've cried this week!
-Just like last time, I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed with trying to balance the needs of the kiddos and everything else. When I'm not feeding, changing a diaper, or cleaning up poop/puke/Lizzy's spilled lunch...basically all I want to be doing is sleeping or just vegging out with a book or the TV. It's hard to motivate myself to do darn near anything else at this point! This is going to sound super bratty (and I hope y'all can see through that to the heart of what I'm about to say)...but the other day I found myself wishing that people would just stop bringing baby gifts already because on the off chance that I have a spare moment, the very last thing I want to do is write a thank you note, and I'm constantly stressing out about how far behind I am with them already!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Mother Rage
Justin's side of the family is loud. They just are. They're loud when they're happy, with guitars and singing, and children running through the house in a noisy ball of energy. They're loud when they're in disagreement or talking about politics--voices raising loudly to be heard, and everyone talking all at once. I have no doubt that things have always been this way, and that when Justin and his siblings were growing up, the default setting for fights between kids and parents, or even kids and kids was LOUD. Consequently, any time Justin and I disagree (even about small things), I usually find myself saying, "Why are you yelling?!" to which he yells back, "I'M NOT YELLING!"
I'm different. I don't tend to get loud. I tend to be a bit introverted in real life. I don't like conflict in my personal life, and will go to great lengths to avoid it. If such an occasion arises that conflict is inevitable, I don't love "hashing it out" verbally, and would much rather craft a letter laying out my case bullet point by bullet point. I'm not kidding. I literally lay out my case as if I were in a debate with points and anticipatory counter-points. If there's conflict or disagreement, I aim to win, which I can usually best accomplish if I'm calm, cool, and collected in painstakingly making my case. I say all this in order to convey that in general, I'm a pretty mild mannered person, who very rarely (if ever) is just looking for a fight. It takes a lot to get me riled up.
At least, until I became a mom. After which, I became semi-regularly afflicted with something that I like to call "The Mother Rage".
The Mother Rage is something that I wake up with....or in the case of having a newborn, it's something that begins brewing at about 3am. It's Justin going to the store to get beer last night and forgetting my Cherry Coke. It's Lizzy crawling into bed with me at 6am, just as I've finally gotten the baby to sleep. It's the dishes from last night's dinner still sitting on the counter. It's the fact that it is inevitable that as soon as I've prepared a plate of food, the baby suddenly wants to eat again (even if she last ate literally five minutes ago). It's Lizzy dumping out every single one of her markers on the floor any time she wants to color, or her turning on the music on Becca's bouncer and waking her up, even though she has literally been told at least 25 times today NOT TO TURN ON THE MUSIC WHEN THE BABY IS SLEEPING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And then, it's Lizzy doing it again, literally minutes later. It's Justin having band practice, and Bible Study, and school...chances to actually converse with other adults, when I've not left the house in days. It's feeling like I can't add an activity that's just for me without our family reaching critical mass. It's the floor needing to be mopped, again. It's toothpaste in the sink, or juice on the floor that I've just mopped. It's Justin walking in the door and innocently asking "What's for dinner?" when all I've eaten all day is a spoonful of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, which I snuck while pretending to go to the bathroom, with Lizzy banging on the door the entire time saying, "Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
Like so many parts of motherhood, The Mother Rage is one of those things that no one tells you about, but that I'm convinced we all experience.
What's more, The Mother Rage is relentless, starting small and growing into bitter resentment if left unchecked. She takes hold of small things and multiples. Such small things. But when combined, they are enough to drive me to adding chocolate chips to my yogurt at 6:00am. Or to contemplate packing up both children before noon and driving to the liquor store to replenish that tequila that we're out of. Or to send passive aggressive text messages to Justin about leaving the pear cider that I just bought out on the counter, unrefrigerated, and now undrinkable. They are enough to make me write off a day as "bad" at 9am, and to keep looking for reasons that the day sucks until I lay my head down at...well....until I think about laying my head down at 2am.
The Mother Rage is in full force today, but she can be battled. By counting blessings, by trips to Target just because, by recognizing the beauty in the mundane, and by talking about The Mother Rage in the third person.
You're officially on notice, Mother Rage. It's you against me. And I don't like to lose.
{Just a quick postscript--this was mostly meant to be a (sort of) funny post about something that I think most moms experience...how small things can just multiply to create a full on RAGE out of nowhere! Although I was definitely feeling rage-y this morning, I promise I'm okay, and laughing about it now :) }
I'm different. I don't tend to get loud. I tend to be a bit introverted in real life. I don't like conflict in my personal life, and will go to great lengths to avoid it. If such an occasion arises that conflict is inevitable, I don't love "hashing it out" verbally, and would much rather craft a letter laying out my case bullet point by bullet point. I'm not kidding. I literally lay out my case as if I were in a debate with points and anticipatory counter-points. If there's conflict or disagreement, I aim to win, which I can usually best accomplish if I'm calm, cool, and collected in painstakingly making my case. I say all this in order to convey that in general, I'm a pretty mild mannered person, who very rarely (if ever) is just looking for a fight. It takes a lot to get me riled up.
At least, until I became a mom. After which, I became semi-regularly afflicted with something that I like to call "The Mother Rage".
The Mother Rage is something that I wake up with....or in the case of having a newborn, it's something that begins brewing at about 3am. It's Justin going to the store to get beer last night and forgetting my Cherry Coke. It's Lizzy crawling into bed with me at 6am, just as I've finally gotten the baby to sleep. It's the dishes from last night's dinner still sitting on the counter. It's the fact that it is inevitable that as soon as I've prepared a plate of food, the baby suddenly wants to eat again (even if she last ate literally five minutes ago). It's Lizzy dumping out every single one of her markers on the floor any time she wants to color, or her turning on the music on Becca's bouncer and waking her up, even though she has literally been told at least 25 times today NOT TO TURN ON THE MUSIC WHEN THE BABY IS SLEEPING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And then, it's Lizzy doing it again, literally minutes later. It's Justin having band practice, and Bible Study, and school...chances to actually converse with other adults, when I've not left the house in days. It's feeling like I can't add an activity that's just for me without our family reaching critical mass. It's the floor needing to be mopped, again. It's toothpaste in the sink, or juice on the floor that I've just mopped. It's Justin walking in the door and innocently asking "What's for dinner?" when all I've eaten all day is a spoonful of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, which I snuck while pretending to go to the bathroom, with Lizzy banging on the door the entire time saying, "Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
Like so many parts of motherhood, The Mother Rage is one of those things that no one tells you about, but that I'm convinced we all experience.
What's more, The Mother Rage is relentless, starting small and growing into bitter resentment if left unchecked. She takes hold of small things and multiples. Such small things. But when combined, they are enough to drive me to adding chocolate chips to my yogurt at 6:00am. Or to contemplate packing up both children before noon and driving to the liquor store to replenish that tequila that we're out of. Or to send passive aggressive text messages to Justin about leaving the pear cider that I just bought out on the counter, unrefrigerated, and now undrinkable. They are enough to make me write off a day as "bad" at 9am, and to keep looking for reasons that the day sucks until I lay my head down at...well....until I think about laying my head down at 2am.
The Mother Rage is in full force today, but she can be battled. By counting blessings, by trips to Target just because, by recognizing the beauty in the mundane, and by talking about The Mother Rage in the third person.
You're officially on notice, Mother Rage. It's you against me. And I don't like to lose.
{Just a quick postscript--this was mostly meant to be a (sort of) funny post about something that I think most moms experience...how small things can just multiply to create a full on RAGE out of nowhere! Although I was definitely feeling rage-y this morning, I promise I'm okay, and laughing about it now :) }
Monday, December 3, 2012
Thanks, that was fun.
-It is currently 2:55am as I type this out on my phone. I haven't gotten to sleep yet at all because I'm feeding Rebecca...again. She won't sleep--not while nursing, not in my arms, not laying next to me, not in her swing/bouncer/bassinet. I am so tired. Beyond tired...and I kind of want to punch Justin, who is sleeping peacefully next to me, in the face. Justin helps a good amount at night, but there's really only so much he can do, and so that leaves me awake by myself quite often.
And being awake while the whole house is sleeping and you haven't really slept in weeks is a little maddening.
-That blood blister looking thing that Rebecca had? It was staph. Awesome. She seems to be fine now, but I'm a little shaken. Now, every time a little baby zit pops up, my first reaction is OH MY GOD...IS THAT STAPH?!
-On Saturday I had a fun family day planned with all sorts of holiday activities. We felt like Lizzy needed some extra attention and a fun family day where we weren't correcting and disciplining her constantly. We stopped at Costco on our way into town and ate pizza. As we finished eating, Lizzy said, "I ate my pizza! And I ate my penny!"
Um, what?
We called her pediatrician, who ordered xrays because apparently pennies made after 1982 are coated with zinc, which can erode the esophogus. And sometimes, kids don't start hurting/fussing until a few hours later if it is lodged in their throat
So yeah. I was nursing Becca (shocker!) so Justin took her back for the xray, but he said you could see the penny clear as day. So now, she just has to wait for the penny to pass....YAY!
When we asked Lizzy about why she swallowed the penny, she said, "I wanted to be naughty." So basically, she wanted extra attention...which being 2, she didn't understand was already PLANNED for the day. Oye.
I still don't know how she managed to swallow it without us noticing...
It was a hell of a week. But really, what can you do but laugh? Well...drinking margaritas would be a good option, but I'm out of tequila, so laughing will just have to do!
PS- Bonus points if you know where the title to this post comes from!
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