Saturday, December 15, 2012

When None of It Makes Sense.

It's 4am and I just finished feeding Becca. She won't go back to sleep, but today I'm content to just lay here with her on my chest in the quiet as I read the news.

The news about yesterday's shooting in
Conneticut has changed since last night. Different information has surfaced, even down to the identity of the shooter, but my grief and emotions are largely the same--there is not a parent in the world who does not feel the weight of this.

The shooter has now been identified as a 20 year old man. Still a boy, really. And I just keep wondering--did he know?

I don't at all mean to absolve  him of blame. The fact that he wore a bullet-proof vest as he walked into that school means to me that he knew. But did he know?

Did he know what it would mean to clean up little shoes strewn about the living room? Did he know what it would mean to the mom who dropped her kiddo off to school with relief for a few quiet hours after a rough morning that day? Did he know what it would mean for the parents who have Christmas gifts under the tree that will never be opened? Did he have nieces or nephews that age? Had he talked with a 1st grader and gotten to see how smart and funny they are? Did he think about all the lost teeth and first kisses and driver's licenses that these children would never have? Did he know how much it would hurt, and do it anyway, specifically for that reason?

It makes me want to throw up, all of it. The gaping hole of "why" that so many parents will never have answered. Seeing this be used to further political agendas on both sides of the coin--already, I've seen Facebook postings to the effect of "believe in gun control yet?" and "people want to know where God was--oh yeah, he isn't allowed in schools anymore" to which I just want to scream SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL AGENDA FOR ONE DAY.

There are real people dealing with a hurt so enormous...parents, siblings, first responders, reporters, teachers, friends. Relatives--of the victims, the survivors, AND the shooter. So much pain, and for what purpose?

Today, I'll hug my girls and my husband a little closer. I'll pray, because that's really all that I can do, and that's the only place peace comes for me now. I'll try to be more patient and kind. To soak up every blessing. And I won't forget--not yet. Even in the hustle and bustle of the next few weeks, as I go about errands and the daily grind, I will remember...even as none of it makes sense.

I doubt it ever will.

10 comments:

  1. Such a great post....My husband and I were saying the same thing about the Christmas gifts under the tree. So tragic and heartbreaking and senseless. Perfectly said. Thanks!

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  2. You couldn't have said it better. The political stuff makes me ache in pain--what if you were a parent who lost your baby and reading that? It would kill me that it's becoming a political agenda. This really made me think...really. A 20 year old doesn't know the joy of a child...the kind of love and adoration you have for your babies....that he just so quickly, in an instant, took away from so many parents. My god....why....ugh. My heart.

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  3. I have tears in my eyes reading this, so well spoken, as always. The thing that gets me is the shoes. I just cannot even begin to imagine. Some children I babysat for were killed in a plane crash on the Oregon Coast in 2008 - a plane flew into the house they were vacationing in. And I just remember thinking, how do you go home from vacation and pick up your kid's shoes that were left in the hustle of trying to get to the airport? And now this whole town is grieving, and struggling to pick up the pieces. And I can't even begin to imagine how they will go on.

    My heart is heavy and my prayers are many right now. Thanks for giving me a place to write out my thoughts, even if they're jumbled.

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  4. I held it together pretty well yesterday, then as I was holding Miriam while making some treats in the kitchen and listening to my mom give Isaac a bath upstairs, I just starting bawling. I can't imagine, don't want to imagine the grief and pain.

    And the political agenda. It INFURIATES me. I stayed off of facebook yesterday for this exact reason. I just can't stand to see it. These mamas and daddies. Ugh, their hearts are broken. That's really all I care for us to talk/think about right now. :(

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  5. A beautifully written remembrance, thank you for your words.

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  6. Beautiful post, Meredith. Thank you.

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  7. I agree with Julia - that was a beautiful post. Well said.

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  8. Incredibly well written. You said what my heart wanted to. Thank you. We're praying along with you.

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  9. I am tearing up as I read this. Very well said.

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