Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Monster.

Can I just get real for a minute y'all? Like, ugly, messy, hate-to-admit-this-about-myself real? This past week, I have been battling with something that I've never really battled before--the ugly, green eyed monster.

Normally, I'm pretty good about being able to rejoice in the successes of others. I'm usually able to watch someone get, do, experience, or achieve something that I'd like for my life, but still be completely and genuinely happy for them, even though it's them and not me. But over the past week or so, something strange has been happening. I've been noticing that alongside with being happy for them, there's now also little commentary that's begun to play like a silent record in my head, planting these little seeds of jealousy...

I hope you have fun in Hawaii!
Why do they get to go on a tropical vacation and I don't?! 

I'm happy that Justin is going to get to play hardball this year--I know he really wants to.
Why does he get to go have fun playing while I'm stuck with all the responsibility for Lizzy...again?!

It sounds like you had a great time at Blissdom! How exciting!
How come she always lands the awesome blog sponsorships and gets to go to cool places like Blissdom while I don't get any attention?!

Your home is beautiful. 
 I'm so sick of seeing all these clean homes. How am I ever supposed to compete with this?!

Don't you love tax time?! It sounds like you guys are doing some fun things!
How come they get to do fun things with their tax return while we have to do irritating things like buying dirt and fixing our well?!

What a cute jacket! 
How come she gets to buy clothes any time she wants while I'm usually shopping at Goodwill?! 

You look great!
How come she seems like she loses weight while eating absolutely anything she wants while I have to count every calorie and work for every pound?! 

And these aren't even all of them. I hate it. I hate it because in most of these instances, the things that have been received, achieved, and done are things that are longed for. Deserved. I don't want to be a jealous person. I think it's ugly. But I'm having a hard time turning this little narrative off.

It's probably not a coincidence that when I went to the library yesterday, One Thousand Gifts was finally waiting for me. I certainly hope not. Because today, I need the reminder that I'm deeply and wonderfully blessed, right where I'm at.

Change my heart, oh God. 
Make it ever true. 
Change my heart, oh God.
May I be like you.


  1. You're not alone, girl! Although I wouldn't really consider myself a jealous person, there are definitely times when I see what others have and think "why don't I have that?". Although I have a lot of things that I'm sure others might be jealous of...good job, nice-ish car, great friends, own my own house, I'm single and can definitely get envious of others when I see others getting married and starting families. But I just try to remember that just because I don't have that now, doesn't mean I never will.

    And if it makes you feel better, I'll be using my tax return to buy sod and fix my porch! Exciting stuff!

  2. Don't worry Meredith. People aren't People unless they have that inner dialogue. The key is fight it. And I know you're doing it because you NOTICE it and notice that you don't want to give in to it :) Prayers.

  3. Oh Mere... I know how that goes. It seems like once one little jealous thought creeps in - the rest come like running water. Our friends are in the Bahamas and we are spending our tax return paying off my husbands car.

    One things that helps is keeping a list. A list of things you are grateful for. A little notepad in my purse and I write on it whenever I think of something - or when ever I get jealous. I make my self come up with a few things that I can write down.

    Let us know how that books is... I am on the waiting list at the library too.

  4. It's so hard sometimes to be content with you own life, I totally get it.

  5. Oh girl, we all have those moments. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    I fall into that trap at times and it totally sucks. But then I just sit back and try to be thankful for all I have and remember that there are probably people out there who feel that way about me [faithful husband, children, a home, the ability to stay at home, etc.] But as a woman, and a blogging woman at that, it's soooo easy to compare ourselves to others.

    And oh, our tax return will be boring too! Probably our ROTH's and nothing else :(

  6. I think we all have those same feelings more than we would like to admit. And those who we are jealous of in reality probably don't/aren't leading the wonderful lives that they are portraying, they are just trying to make themselves feel better by only talking about the wonderful things and not all the other crap.

    I have a hard time hearing and seeing my friends who have super well behaved children because I do not! My 2 year old (boy) is the child no body wants to go anywhere with. I have such a hard time seeing kids who will sit in a chair at a restaurant, sit in a cart at the store and just be content, while I am fighting mine kicking and screaming to just get out of the car! But such is life :)

    Our tax return will be used to pay off a credit card so that we can have a little more month to month money and actually pay all the bills on time :)

  7. I can SO relate! Especially with the messy house and the tax returns going toward un-fun stuff (i.e. bills & stinky, debt).

    I really appreciate your honesty & candor. If it helps, you are letting the rest of us know that we are not alone in our struggles. Thank you for being so real.

  8. You are definately not alone! I think everyone has this monster in them. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. Thank God for Jesus, huh? I struggle with this is in so many areas of my life. I wish is could just disappear instantly but it doesn't and it hasn't. I think what I have learned though is that we will always want what someone else has but if/when we get it, something else will replace that want. If we continue to truly try to give this jealousy to Christ he will replace it with love from Him.
    The feeling of not being good enough, rich enough, pretty/skinny enough, useful, etc. is a horrible place to be in life and is created from satan. I will pray for the love of Christ to destroy these feelings in your heart. I love you and think you are amazing. You have accomplished many things and should be very proud of yourself.

  9. Trust me when I say we ALL have these moments. Let's just talk about our struggles of infertility and seeing every single one of the blogs I read relish in their babies and children, UGH. I had to stop reading blogs for almost a year because I just felt my life couldn't even come close to some others I was reading. And then I realized, they're just posting about the good moments and not about what happens in-between.

  10. I struggle with that on the regular as well. I want to turn that jealous voice off, because I know if I really want something I can work for it. But I tend to want what other people have, and want it to come easily. And some things are just completely out of my control.

  11. Oh yes friend, I hear this voice ALL the time, especially (as a pp^ mentioned) when I see children who well behaved and content to just hang out in a cart/stroller in public. Mine is the one running crazy through the grocery store while I try and get ahold of him to calm him down. But, I try and remind myself, every day Jax was in the NICU I prayed and prayed that I would have these crazy days with him and it doesn't seem so bad.

    And oh the weight loss. I know I am losing weight, but sometimes I still can't help but think "BUT LOOK AT HER! She looks awesome and I still have another 10-20lbs to go!" I'm counting every calorie I take in and working out every day and the pounds are still sticking to my ass and thighs! So frustrating!

    Hugs Mama!

  12. Meredith~
    I love that you wrote this because you are being open and honest...I love it...Thanks for posting what so many people don't have the courage to say!!!

  13. I fight off these voices/things/feelings every single day. The key is not letting it consume us... I think? Haha. Thanks for being so honest.

  14. You are totally not alone! I know I'm blessed beyond what I deserve, but I still struggle with this. I've honestly been struggling with it lately too! Kuddos to you for being so open and honest about it! Its nice to know we're not alone in our feelings sometimes. We had a big vacation planned for to celebrate our 30th birthdays this year and had planned on using our taxes to treat ourselves. Of course, the week we filed our taxes, we learned there was a problem with the escrow account and we owed to the mortgage company almost exactly what our taxes were. I'll be honest and we debated to just still go on the trip, but we did the responsible thing instead. So, don't feel alone on nothing fun with taxes. One thousand gifts is on my to read list too, maybe I should bump it up to the "read now" list! : )

  15. You are REALLY honest on your blog Mere and that is commendable. Most people that are as honest as you are are NOT fun to read because it's about the outfit they wore that day, the lipstick they wore with it and nothing below the surface. You keep it real. <3


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