It's going to be another one of those weeks where I go over my one-baby-post-a-week policy. Because truthfully, I'm towards the end of things, and I have a lot of baby stuff on my mind that needs to come OUT of my mind because then my mind will calm down. Settle in, 'cause this might be a long one...
Part 1: Exhaustion
Basically, I'm still measuring 1-2 weeks ahead, which means that even though my "due date" puts me at 35 weeks, I really could be more like 37. This, coupled with the pretty consistent contractions and cervical pressure I've been having, resulted in talk of doing an early internal, because there's a chance that I could already be dilated. However, because the contractions aren't falling into a pattern, we elected to wait until next week to do the internal [partially because I was an exhausted emotional wreck yesterday, and I don't know that I could have handled hearing that there was no dilation].
During the exam, the doctor asked how I was. I told him that I am absolutely exhausted, and that I'm only sleeping like 4 hours a night. He said that's pretty common and it's his theory that our bodies are training us for the baby. Which may be true, but it's really hard when you're still working to function on that little sleep, especially when you already feel exhausted from lugging around 35 extra pounds (yes, I'm up to 35 pounds and I'm not very happy about it even though I know it's for a good cause) all day. Anyway, the doctor asked me how I'm tolerating still working. It was an innocent enough question, but I almost bit his head off. Because the answer is that it doesn't matter how I'm tolerating work--I HAVE to keep working. Because if I stop working now, and the baby is born in January for whatever reason, I would have no health insurance, unless I paid the COBRA premium, which there is no way that we could afford.
On one hand, I feel like a baby for thinking that working is so hard. I don't have a physically demanding job. I am just really tired. And I usually rely on sleeping all weekend to prep myself up for the next week. But then I realized that the next three weekends are absolutely jam-packed...and when I realized that, I cried the whole way home from the doctor's office. Don't get me wrong...they're packed with GOOD things. Blessings! Things like birthdays, baby showers, work Christmas parties--things that I wouldn't miss for the world! Things that would make me really, really upset to miss. But it's still a little overwhelming not to see a day in the immediate future just for down-time.
I was thisclose to calling in sick from work today. But unfortunately, I'm one of the only people in the office today, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Part 2: Fears
I am reading Fearless by Max Lucado. He has a specific 8-step plan for helping deal with fear. And one of those steps is to make lists of your fears so that you can better understand what areas of your life cause fear, and to pray about those areas. So here's what's on my worry list lately:
1- Something happening that causes the baby to die, and having to go through the whole labor and delivery process knowing that the baby has already passed away.
2- Me dying during labor/delivery/recovery. I always catch myself trying to teach Justin how to do little things like pay certain bills online or make little meals so that he would be "okay" if that happened. I know, it's pretty morbid.
3- That we won't be able to make my staying home work financially. This is such a hard situation for me because I know without a doubt that I am supposed to be staying home. We've both prayed about it for countless hours, and it's absolutely, crystal clear to me. I remember having an absolutely overwhelming sense of peace when that's what we decided. But the thing is, it doesn't work on paper. I have no idea how it is going to work. NO IDEA. Justin keeps telling me that this is the trusting in God piece, and we keep talking about Genesis 26, when God told Isaac to move his family to Egypt, and even though Isaac was terrified for his family's lives, he obeyed, and was blessed. I get the point, I know that sometimes it isn't up to me to figure out how things are all supposed to work out. I keep finding the song "Lord, I Don't Know" by the Newsboys stuck in my head, which is awfully telling. But it is just really, really, REALLY hard for me to trust in this way. I am a plan person. A list person. I want concrete things, not just a promise that things will be okay. Ugh.
4- That this pregnancy weight will never, ever go away. I know, everyone says that it will. I will believe that when I see it.
Whew. Okay, I think I'm done.