Tuesday, October 7, 2008

It's 3am I must be lonely.

Actually, it's more like 4:30am. And I'm awake, and I feel like crap. My entire head and neck hurt, and I feel congested to all get out. I feel like I have a fever, but the thermometer keeps saying 97 degrees, which can't be right if I'm sweating this much. I also feel like I'm going to throw up, and I can't entirely decipher if that's from last night's events, or if I'm actually sick.

I have debated quite a bit as to whether to post what happened last night. I am trying to be better about not speaking negatively of my spouse. However, I'm really struggling with this whole situation, and so I think I'm going to go ahead and explain what happened, in the hopes that someone out there can relate or maybe offer advice.

Yesterday was awful. But specifically last night. First, I need to explain and qualify a little bit. My husband's family is all loud. When they're having a disagreement, they get loud, and often mean. They truly do "fight it out." Most of Justin's band is made up of his family, so when the band fights, which is often lately, it gets loud and awful. Guitar strings are broken out of anger, music is thrown, cell phones are broken, people stomp around, etc. It's terrible and uncomfortable. Most of the band members have partaken in the aforementioned behavior at some point in the past 6 months.

Last night, the practice didn't go as planned, but for the most part things were going well. However, the last 3 minutes of practice, all hell broke loose. My husband got upset at one of the other band members, and threw a microphone cord...not at anyone, but he was angry and threw it out of anger, and you could tell. His brother immediately bear hugged him, which was probably the right thing to do since there was a kid in the room, and I don't think anyone wanted it to escalate. However, that made Justin even more upset. You could tell he was fuming just by looking at him. Eventually, he was persuaded to go outside after a lot of yelling by other band members, where he continued to fume. He was mad the whole way home and after. His brother called, and Justin said some pretty awful things to him. I think they might have worked it out by the end of the conversation, and I hope that they did.

I'm a VERY non-confrontational person, and probably a little over-sensitive in this area, so I hate all of these fights that the band has. This one however, was especially bad, and it was over nothing. There was also a board meeting going on at church while they were practicing, and the board has apparently told the band that they're not allowed to practice at church anymore. At least one board member has asked them before to tone down the fighting--especially considering they practice in the sanctuary. Essentially, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

This is a tough place to be in for me. I love my husband unconditionally (or, at least I try to), but I don't agree with the way he behaved last night. We had a long talk when we got home, and I told him that I don't feel like he knows how to handle his anger properly--most of the time, he just bottles it up and lets it boil inside of him. He doesn't have an outlet for it at all. I told him that I want him, or the two of us, to talk to someone....find a book...do a Bible study, whatever, about healthy responses to anger--I don't really care who he talks to, I just need him to have some tools to better handle his anger.

I've no doubt made my husband seem like a terrible, awful person, and that breaks my heart because he is a GOOD man. There are so many things that I love about him, and being married to him truly is a blessing. But right now, it's also a little bit of a struggle.


  1. I love you both! We need to have a girls day! Let me know when you're feeling better and have some free time and we'll grab some lunch or something! :)

  2. So...fighting and being frustrated seems like it is a normal part of marriage as far as I know haha...so just grit your teeth, continue being honest and it will be ok. I think it is GOOD that you spoke to him about it, especially since you are typically non-confrontational. Good for you. It does sound like he needs to do some kind of reflection...I know that I tend to get super emotional when I haven't let out my feelings\worries\frustrations\anxieties. You and I get creative, we take pictures, we blog, we write etc. What does Justin do? He probably turns to his music sometimes, and when it's his music that is causing him stress then he probably really loses it. Maybe you should help him find another outlet...whether it is with you or solo (kayaking, running, working out??) so he has another place to let it all go.

    Also, Matchbox Twenty is a good remedy for basically anything...I love that song. ;)


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